


Behind Blue Eyes

by snackles_squirrel, the_plaid_moose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Dean Winchester, Adopted Sam Winchester, Bad Parent John Winchester, Beating, Broken Bones, Bullied Castiel (Supernatural), Bullied Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Live Together, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Concerned Castiel (Supernatural), Concussed Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Angst, Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirty Castiel (Supernatural), Hungry Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Orphanage, Past Abuse, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Dean Winchester, Smart Castiel (Supernatural), Touch-Starved Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-05-30 16:37:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19407190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snackles_squirrel/pseuds/snackles_squirrel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_plaid_moose/pseuds/the_plaid_moose
Summary: Behind Blue Eyes is an Alternate Universe, Destiel fanfiction, that takes place in High School through adulthood. It begins in the late '80s and closes in the early '00s. The story follows Dean Winchester as he lives through the hardest and the best times of his life. As everything around him crashes down, Dean finds himself reaching for a source of happiness. Through sadness, disappointment, loss, and pain, comfort is discovered behind blue eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

January 3rd, 1989

7:53 am

Dean looked at the school schedule he had in his hand. The black and white piece of paper had no description on how to get to his classes. As Dean searched for his classes, he only bothered to look up from his schedule when it was only absolutely necessary; to look at classroom numbers and to prevent himself from tripping over another student. 

He sighed in frustration at how he couldn’t find his first class. “Does anyone know where room 104 is?!” he called out, angrily. No one replied, so he decided to give up for the time being; he scanned his schedule and found his locker number. “Well, that’s gotta be easier than finding this damned classroom,” he muttered, turning around and finding lockers with similar numbers. He looked at the numbers carefully until he found his own. He started to turn the combination meter until he realized that there wasn’t really anything he had to put in it, so he decided to try and find that dreaded classroom once again.

Dean turned over his right shoulder and headed down the one hallway he hadn’t gone down earlier, walking through the huge crowds of students. He looked up from his steps to realize he had finally found room 104. He let out a sigh of relief as he walked into the classroom. He sat in the back, where he typically sat, and looked around at the few kids that were also in the classroom. He cleared his throat then noticed that the few students surrounding him had notebooks on their desk, so he grabbed one of his own and placed it on his desk. It made sense, though, since it was math class. He tapped his fingers against his notebook and hummed Master of Puppets by Metallica while he waited for the class to begin. The bell rang a few minutes later and the rest of the students scrambled to get to their seats.

“Good morning, class. I hope you all had an amazing break!” the tall, blonde woman started, who Dean assumed to be the teacher. She had an annoying voice and was way too excited to be at school at 8 o’clock in the morning. After she only got mutters in response, she cleared her throat slightly. Before she could continue, Dean piped in.

“Well, clearly, sweetheart, everyone had a great break and I’m sure no one wants to talk about the fact that they’re back at school after having a good time, so can we just move on with the lesson?” he asked, tapping a pencil against the desk quietly. The students shifted their gaze to stare at Dean, most of their eyes wide with disbelief. He chuckled quietly at everyone’s reactions. However, there was one student who didn’t take the time to gawk at him. The boy had jet black hair and stunning blue eyes and he was pretty tall as well. Dean couldn’t help but stare for a second; he quickly snapped out of the trance he was in and faced the teacher, whose jaw dropped at his comment.

“Well,” she squeaked, clearing her throat before continuing on. “We can move on after you introduce yourself, since you already have everyone’s attention,” she said, slight anger laced in her voice.

Dean just smirked at her response and looked around slightly “I’m Dean Winchester and obviously, I just transferred here,” he said, scanning the room until he caught sight of the student with the striking blue eyes. He promptly looked away from him and directed his attention back to the teacher. “That’s all,” he stated, matter of factly.

“Very well,” the teacher said, walking over to the board. She started to teach the lesson and Dean sighed. He hadn’t gotten very far in his old school and this lesson was way more complicated than anything he had to do there. The curriculum sucked at the other school, and while he was grateful for a good curriculum at this one, he was also very confused about the teaching. He tried to take notes, but once he finally understood a small section, the class had already moved on. After what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang and Dean quickly collected his things, taking some time to focus his gaze on the blue-eyed boy as he headed for the door. However, he became a little too distracted and his shoulder grazed the wall, stopping him in his tracks. He blushed from embarrassment and turned, hoping that no one noticed. He realized that only one person was looking at him, but unfortunately, it was the boy that attracted his attention in the first place.

The blue-eyed boy looked at Dean with a smile “you should really watch where you’re going,” he said, chuckling slightly. He was almost as tall as Dean, and his smile was just as stunning as his eyes.

Dean turned a deeper shade of red from the embarrassment of a fellow classmate pointing out his mistake. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I guess I should,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand awkwardly.

The boy looked Dean up and down quickly before adjusting his stance. “Well, uh, I better get to class, but, maybe I’ll see you around,” he smiled, walking out of the door.

Dean kept an eye on the boy as he left and watched the empty doorway for a few seconds before realizing he was the last one in the classroom. He quickly walked to his next class and got situated, but for some reason, he couldn’t keep his thoughts away from the blue-eyed boy.

…

11:33 am

Dean walked into the cafeteria empty handed and sat at a table in the corner of the room. He scanned over the cafeteria and caught sight of the boy from before. He decided to leave him alone. He tapped on the empty table and just hoped lunch would end soon enough. 

He glanced over at the blue-eyed boy again and noticed that something didn’t seem right. There was a crowd of boys around him and they were throwing their food at him and shoving him. It was obvious they didn’t want to catch the attention of the teachers because they were being careful with how hard they were pushing him around. Unless someone specifically looked over, their actions could be easily missed. Dean got up and slung his bag over his shoulder before going over to the group of boys. He stood between them and the boy with the blue eyes.

“Leave him alone,” he said calmly, hoping to avoid a fight with them. 

They backed away slightly in surprise. A few looked mad that Dean ruined their fun but Dean didn’t care. Dean glared at them to look as intimidating as possible. They got the message and started walking away, but not before one told him to follow. Dean complied to show that he wasn’t afraid of them. 

Once they got to the other side of the cafeteria, the boy that seemed like the ‘leader’ of the group was standing slightly in front of them all “Let’s make a deal. You let us finish what we started, and your pretty little face will stay intact,” he said, quite bravely for someone who was a few inches shorter than Dean.

“Well, how about you just leave him alone?” Dean suggested, stepping closer to him. He had no intention of hurting him, but he wanted to show that he had no fear of standing up for what was right.

The guy scoffed and rolled his eyes right before shoving Dean away from him. “You and me, three o’clock, on the football field,” he said, right before walking away with the other guys in the group.

Dean clenched his jaw and sighed. He knew he wasn’t going to get out of this. He walked back over to the blue-eyed boy to make sure he was alright. He sat across from him and dropped his stuff down on the floor. “Hey, you okay?” he asked the boy.

The boy hesitantly looked up at Dean and stared for a moment before answering. “I’m okay...thanks to you,” he gave him a slight smile to reassure that everything was fine.

Dean felt himself blush and he didn’t know why. He always stood up for people, but he had never blushed over a thank you. He nodded at the blue eyed boy before finally saying something to break the tension. “So, what’s your name?”

The blue-eyed boy cleared his throat. “My name is Castiel Novak,” he blushed and fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt. It was evident that he was embarrassed to be saying his name, but Dean didn’t know why. He thought it was cute.

Dean smiled. “Castiel. That’s a nice name,” he replied. Castiel didn’t respond after that so Dean tried to think of questions he could ask. Just when he was about to open his mouth, the bell rang. He got his bag off of the floor and when he stood up, Castiel was already too far away to continue the conversation. Dean frowned and wistfully walked to his next class.

…

3:07 pm

After school, Dean made his way to the field and he saw the group of guys that were harassing Castiel before. He took a deep breath as he prepared to fight the boy. He set his bag down then approached him confidently. Soon enough, a crowd started to form around them.

The boy smirked at Dean and raised his fists close to his face in preparation for the fight. “You sure you wanna do this?” the boy asked. Dean could tell that the boy was nervous about the fight, but no one else seemed to notice.

Dean raised his fists in response and looked at him, glaring to appear intimidating and confident. “Oh, I’m sure. You have no right to talk to Castiel that way,” he said sharply, hoping he wouldn’t actually have to fight the boy.

“I can talk to anyone however I want to!” he threw a punch at Dean, and Dean was able to dodge it. He attempted a few scattered punches but Dean predicted them all. Dean, in response, punched the boy directly in his jaw. The crowd gasped then chanted for them to keep going. The boy held onto his jaw and had a look of disbelief in his eyes. It made Dean think that no one has ever won against him, or maybe even challenged him. 

“Hit him back!” someone called out from the crowd and others chimed in with similar shouts, most referring to a kick in places no man should ever be kicked. The boy charged at Dean with full force and Dean simply stepped out of the way, the boy falling into the crowd. Dean was the clear winner. 

Dean looked through the crowd. Most people were booing but there were some scattered cheers; most from the scrawny looking kids. He spotted familiar blue eyes and dark hair. Dean started to smile but stopped once he noticed Castiel was frowning. Castiel looked disappointed and he shook his head slightly before walking away. Dean lost all sense of victory and tried to follow Castiel, but the crowd stopped him to either give him idle threats or to praise him on his success. Dean quickly thanked the ones who congratulated him as he pushed his way through the crowd. He broke free from the rest of the people then tried to catch up to Castiel, but it was too late. He was nowhere in sight. Dean sighed, grabbed his stuff, then made his way home.

…

January 4th, 1989

11:35 am

Dean checked himself out in the bathroom mirror. The bruises were obvious despite his efforts of hiding them. So far no one really seemed to care anyway. He sighed and walked into the cafeteria. He saw Castiel sitting alone, so he walked over and sat across from him. Castiel looked over at Dean and furrowed his brows.

“Dean, you have bruises…” he muttered. Castiel looked concerned but also nervous. Dean assumed there was also suspicion laced in his words. 

“I know,” Dean replied, smiling slightly at Castiel. “I was kinda in a fight yesterday,” he said somewhat humorously, knowing Castiel was there but hoping that he didn’t see the full fight. 

Castiel furrowed his brows once again. “Dean, I was at the fight. You didn’t get hit. What happened?” he asked, his voice soft and filled with concern.

Dean clenched his jaw and tensed up moderately, his eyes met with Castiel’s once again. He quickly changed the subject. “Can I call you Cas?” he asked him, smiling a little.

Castiel sighed. Dean could tell that he didn't like his question being ignored. After a few seconds of silence, Dean noticed a small smile form on Castiel’s face before answering. “Sure. You can call me Cas. I like that,” Cas chuckled softly. For a moment, Dean forgot about everything else in the world. Before anything else could be spoken, the bell rang. Dean grabbed his stuff then glanced at Cas before he went to class.

…

January 5th, 1989

11:43 am

Dean rubbed his hand over the fresh bruises on his cheek. He tried to avoid Cas because he would question him about the new bruises he had. He showed up later to lunch than usual and he chose to sit alone at a back table...until Cas came over.

Cas sat across from Dean and furrowed his brows. Dean noticed Cas look over the array of bruises he had over the small amounts of skin that could be seen. Dean expected Cas to immediately say something but he was quiet.

“Are you gonna interrogate me again?” Dean asked him, raising his eyebrows.

Castiel sighed. “No, Dean. I’m not going to interrogate you. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to, but I won’t,” he said, his voice sounding slightly sadder than normal.

Dean looked shocked and somewhat confused. “Okay...good,” he smiled a little, hoping Cas would never bring up the bruises again. The bell rang and Dean quickly went to his class, not giving Cas any time to change his mind.  
…

January 6th, 1989

11:34 am

Dean gave up trying to hide the bruises. There were too many to hide and there was nothing he could do about it. He focused on avoiding as many people as he possibly could. He sat alone again and his stomach grumbled, yet he didn’t have any food. He folded his arms on the table then laid his head on his arms. 

Castiel approached Dean and hesitantly sat across from him. He looked down. “Dean-,” he started.

“Cas-,” Dean cut him off as he looked up at him. “I’m really not in the mood for this right now. I’m not gonna answer any of your dumb questions. I’m fine and I’d be better if you just leave me alone,” he snapped.

Cas looked at Dean filled with rage as he stood up, making a loud noise as the chair was forced out of the way. “No, Dean! Clearly, there’s something going on here and you’re going to tell me everything right here, right now!” he yelled. Castiel sat down quickly as he started to blush. Dean could tell Cas was embarrassed for yelling in front of everyone and Cas had a look of disbelief in his eyes. 

Dean glared at Cas. Everyone was staring at them and it made Dean mad. “Leave me alone, Cas,” he said, standing up sharply. He took his bag and walked out of the cafeteria.

Before he was gone, Dean heard Castiel whisper, “I’m sorry,” but Dean couldn’t stop now. The bell rang before he could change his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

January 9th, 1989

7:49 am

Dean got to school and paused for a minute. He had walked down a hallway he hadn’t recognized and he was extremely confused. He suddenly realized he was going the wrong way. He turned the corner and there were more blurry numbers he didn’t recognize. He eventually ended up back where he started. Dean sighed and went down the right corridor, ultimately getting to the room and sitting in the back. He tried to focus, but the whiteboard was fuzzy and his head was pounding. He rested his head in his arms, hoping he wouldn’t get in trouble.

11:32 am

Dean sat alone at lunch again. He was extremely confused, disoriented, and just overall out of it. All he wanted to do was just go home, but he couldn’t leave Sammy at school by himself. He saw a blurry figure standing in front of him. He was able to make out piercing blue eyes, so he assumed it was Cas.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, sitting across from Dean. Dean wasn’t listening but he did notice when Cas furrowed his brows. Cas must have realized that Dean wasn’t understanding because, soon after, he waved his hand in front of Dean’s face. “Dean, are you okay?”

Dean squinted, trying to get his eyes to focus. He looked at Cas as the words finally formed a sentence in his head. “Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he muttered, looking down.

Cas furrowed his brows again and looked closer at Dean. “No, Dean, you’re not fine. It looks like you have a concussion. I’ve been studying this recently because I want to be a surgeon one day and...” he trailed off then cleared his throat. “Well, anyway, you should go to the nurse,” he suggested.

“No, Cas, I-I’m fine…” Dean murmured after a few seconds of silence. He couldn’t really understand Cas, but he was able to tell that Cas wanted him to go home, or something along those lines. Truthfully, he wanted that too.

Cas sighed. “Dean, you’re not responsive, you look like you can’t focus on anything, you’re sluggish, pale, and your words are slurred. You need to go to the nurse,” he grabbed Dean’s arm to help him up, but Dean retaliated.

“Cas, get off me!!” Dean shouted, pushing Cas away. Dean put his head down on the table and trembled. He felt bad for pushing Cas away but he didn’t want Cas thinking he was too weak. He did want to help Cas but he was too confused to think of what to do.

Cas stood and tears welled up in his eyes. People around them laughed at them and Cas sat back down across from Dean. A moment of awkward silence passed before Cas finally spoke up. “I’m sorry, Dean. I just wanted to help, but I should’ve asked and… and I’m sorry for that,” he said, hesitantly looking over at Dean.

Dean looked up at Cas, squinting his eyes. When he finally registered Cas’ words, he started to panic slightly. “No, Cas, I’m so sorry I-I didn’t mean to…” he wanted to continue on, but whatever he thought of disappeared quickly.

Cas smiled softly at Dean. “It’s okay,” he said, quietly. Cas looked up then blushed. He must have noticed that everyone was staring at them. “Can we talk after school? Here, how about we exchange numbers just in case you forget?” Castiel blushed slightly more as he spoke. 

Dean furrowed his brows as his brain worked to connect the puzzle pieces that were Castiel’s words. He soon realized what Cas asked then he nodded. Dean grabbed a napkin and a pen then he wrote his number down, sliding the napkin over to Cas’ side of the table. 

Cas smiled He looked both happy and relieved that Dean didn't reject him. Cas texted Dean right away so Dean would have his number as well. Dean saw the text and sloppily entered Cas into his contacts. Dean gave him a slight smile and a thumbs up once he was done. Castiel smiled and giggled softly at Dean’s cheesy hand movement. As the bell rang, Castiel promised that they would meet after school.

1:47 pm

Midway through fifth period, Castiel got a text from Dean. It read: “heey cas im sorru but i cant tak after schoool today cuz of sammh..” Soon after, Dean got a text from Cas saying a generic ‘it’s okay’. He felt bad for canceling, but he knew he had to get Sam home safe.

…

January 10th, 1989

11:50 am

The next day, Dean got to school at lunch because he overslept. Sam told him that he tried to wake up Dean, but he kept going back to sleep. Dean didn’t remember. Sam and Dean went their separate ways in the lunchroom, and Dean sat at his usual table.

Castiel walked over to Dean quickly, sitting across from him. “I didn’t see you in math today. I thought you stayed home,” he smiled. “I was going to text you but I didn’t want to bother you. How’re you feeling?”

Dean smiled at Cas. He was never friends with anyone who cared this much about him. “Yeah, I kinda slept in,” he said, rubbing his neck anxiously, his cheeks turning red with blush. “And, I’m doing better I guess. Sleeping helped,” he said, chuckling lightly.

Cas laughed a little before looking into Dean’s eyes. “So, can we talk? I don’t know if you remember the conversation we had yesterday…” he trailed off.

Dean thought about it for a minute until he finally remembered the details. “Yeah, I kinda remember…” he muttered, frowning. “Look, Cas, I would talk but I have to get Sam home so I just don’t have time,” he said, partially lying. He didn’t want to talk to Cas about what was happening, so he tried to cover it up. By Cas’ reaction, it looked like he succeeded.

Cas frowned. “Okay…just let me know if anything changes, I guess…” he muttered, sadly.

Dean nodded. He felt bad for lying to Cas, but he had to protect himself and, more importantly, Sam. 

Just then, Sam ran over to Dean and sat beside him, smiling widely. “Hey, Dean,” Sam looked at Cas. “Who’s that?” he whispered in Dean’s ear.

“This is Cas,” Dean replied, gesturing in his general direction. “His real name’s Castiel, but I nicknamed him,” he said, chuckling softly.

Sam laughed a little too. “Hey, Cas. I’m Sam, Dean’s brother,” he said, holding his hand out so Cas could shake it.

“Little brother,” Dean emphasized, grinning slyly at Sam.

Sam rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t matter, Dean. Well...soon it will ‘cause I’m getting taller than you,” he said, proudly.

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam then looked back over at Cas.

Castiel smiled and interrupted them by shaking Sam’s hand, which was still extended. “Nice to meet you, Sam,” he said, starting to eat his food.

Sam smiled back at Cas then turned his attention to Dean. “So, a few friends asked if I could stay over at one of their houses for a few days to hang out and I figured, since Dad’s on a business trip, I could go,” he bit his lip in anticipation of Dean’s answer.

“Do I know them? They’re all guys, right? ‘Cause I’m not gonna allow you to go have a freaking orgy every night,” Dean said, his expression serious and almost intimidating.

Sam gulped nervously. “You don’t know them, but they’re all guys,” he muttered. “So please…can I go?”

Dean sighed. “No, you can’t,” he stated, matter of factly.

Sam looked shocked. “What?! Why not?! Dean, I’m not five, I can go! I’ll make good choices, or whatever, you know me.” Sam looked almost hurt that Dean wouldn’t let him go. “You trust me, right Dean?” he gave him puppy eyes that even Cas looked like he couldn’t resist, and he didn’t even know Sam.

“Yeah, Dean, just let him go. That way you can come over and we can talk,” Cas replied, standing up for Sam.

Sam nodded in agreement. “See?! Now you and Cas can finally talk.”

Dean sighed for a second time. “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I do trust you, Sam. Just...be careful, okay?”

Sam smiled widely with excitement. “I will!” he hugged Dean quickly then ran off to be with his friends just after waving at Dean.

Dean smiled at Sam as he waved back, then he turned to Cas.

Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean. “So?”

Dean raised his back. “So?” he was trying to play dumb.

Cas rolled his eyes playfully as he caught Dean’s bluff. “C’mon, Dean. Come to my house after school. Please. I really wanna talk about this with you,” he said, starting to move his hand towards Dean’s before stopping and putting his hand back into his lap. He blushed.

Dean blushed slightly and he quickly tried to hide it. “Okay, fine. I’ll go to your house. We’ll talk,” he gave in to Cas’ begging.

Cas smiled widely. “Great! I’ll meet you outside the school. I walked this morning because it’s really nice this time of year and my house is nearby anyways. I hope you don’t mind,” he stated.

Dean smiled back. “No, that’s fine. I walk to school every day.”

Somehow, Cas smiled wider. “Great. I’ll you after school then.”

Dean nodded. “I’ll see you then,” he said with a huge smile.

…

3:06 pm

After school, Dean waited outside for Cas. He shivered slightly because he didn’t have a coat. He usually started walking right away, but this time was different. He thought about running away and ditching Cas, but he knew he couldn’t do that to him. As hard as this conversation will be, he knew he had to have it.

Cas walked up to Dean and smiled. “Ready to go?” he asked, not noticing Dean’s shivering since it was so slight.

Dean smiled back. “Yep. Let’s go.”

Cas started walking to his house with Dean. Dean could tell Cas was excited but he also seemed a little nervous. “Uh, it’s just four blocks away. About a ten minute walk,” he said, smiling awkwardly at Dean.

Dean nodded. “Don’t worry. Your house is a lot closer to school than mine is. It’s about a half-hour walk, sometimes more,” he said, blushing from embarrassment.

Cas nodded slightly. “Why don’t you just take a car?” he asked.

Dean blushed even more. “We only have one and it’s my dad's. He’s on business right now, so…” he said trailing off.

Cas nodded. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, Dean. All families are different when it comes to money. It just sucks that you have to be out in this weather for so long every day. My fingers start to freeze after fifteen or twenty minutes,” he said, smiling to reassure Dean.

Dean smiled back slightly. “Yeah, it’s rough...but thanks.”

Castiel looked kind of confused. “For what?” 

“For everything you just said. It was nice,” Dean said, blushing. He didn’t know why he was acting so weird around Cas. He couldn’t help but stare into Cas’ striking, ocean blue eyes.

Cas blushed too. He paused for a second like he didn’t know what to say. “Oh it’s-it’s no problem,” he said, smiling to hopefully replace the blush on his cheeks. “We’re here,” he said, stopping at the doorway of a one-story, yet pretty large, house.

Dean looked at the house and couldn’t help but be amazed. Every house or motel his dad would rent would, at most, be half the size of this house. “Wow.”

Cas blushed again at Dean’s amazement. “Yeah, it’s a pretty nice house. Let’s go inside,” he said, unlocking the front door and stepping inside with Dean.

Dean looked around, in wonder at how clean the house was. He sat next to Cas on the couch and immediately started to get nervous again. He looked at his hands.

Cas looked at Dean sadly. “What’s going on with you, Dean?” he asked, his voice soft and comforting.

Dean hesitantly looked up at Cas. He felt tears well up in his eyes and he blinked them away quickly. “It’s a lot. It’s a very long and sad story and I don’t want your parents coming in and seeing me upset ‘cause then I’d have to tell them too…” he tried to make excuses one last time before he was forced to speak.

Cas sighed softly. “We have time, Dean. My parents aren’t even home right now. They both work late. Go ahead, I’m listening.”

Dean sighed and began to tell his story.

…

November 2nd, 1975

Mary tucked Dean into his bed, kissing the top of his head. “Goodnight, Dean. I love you. Remember, angels are watching over you,” she said, standing up from Dean’s small bed.

“Goodnight, Mommy. I love you too,” Dean said, smiling at her comment about the angels. He closed his eyes and curled up with the small blanket that was on his bed. He fell asleep shortly after.

At around 4 am, Dean woke up to his dad yelling. He got up out of bed and ran to the noise. It was in Sammy’s nursery. Mary was on the ceiling, engulfed in flames, and so was the room.

John turned to him, tears rolling down his face. He gently handed Sam to Dean. “Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back.”

Dean paused, his eyes full of fear as he held onto his 6-month-old brother.

John saw how scared Dean was, and he had to snap him out of it. “NOW, DEAN! GO!” he yelled. Dean winced as his father yelled at him. This was the first time that had ever happened.

Dean felt tears run down his cheeks as he ran outside with his baby brother. His dad had never yelled at him like that, and he hoped it would never happen again. Just then, he felt himself being lifted off of the ground.

John picked up his sons and ran to the street, where the firefighters had just arrived. He wrapped a blanket around Dean and took one for Sam and wrapped it around him. John held Sam close and Dean leaned against him and slept. John silently cried as the firefighters came out of their house, unable to retrieve Mary’s body.

…

3:40 pm

“That’s all I can remember about my mom,” Dean said, trying to choke back tears.

Castiel looked shocked as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He went to say something, then Dean continued.

“Ever since then, the yelling didn’t stop. He always reprimanded me and never Sam. The yelling-” his voice cracked as a few tears rolled down his cheeks. He cleared his throat and looked down. “The yelling quickly turned into abuse. I try so hard to keep Sam away from him so he doesn’t get hurt, and thankfully, I’m successful...most of the time.”

Castiel’s jaw was dropped. “Dean I’m so sorry...can I give you a hug?” he asked, hesitantly.

Dean nodded and hugged Cas tightly. More tears were streaming down his face and he hated it. He always felt so weak when he cried. His dad convinced him that only the weak cry. He knew it wasn’t true, but deep down, he still believed it. He let go after a few minutes, once his eyes were dry. “I have homework,” he said, pulling out his homework from his bag. He was hoping to change the subject.

Cas nodded and got his own out. Dean could tell that Cas was watching him cautiously. Dean hated being watched like a kicked puppy. He saw Cas go along with him even though it didn’t look like he wanted to. They had different assignments since they were in different classes and Dean wasn’t there for the first half of the day. They did their work in silence. 

8:07 pm

“I’ve gotta go home now,” Dean muttered a few hours later, after both of them finished their homework. He stood up and walked to the door.

“Wait!” Cas followed him. “Let me walk you,” he said.

“Oh, no need. Your parents will probably be home soon,” Dean muttered, avoiding eye contact.

“No, they won’t be for a few hours. And even if they were, they wouldn’t care.” Cas replied with a smile.

“No, it’s okay. It’s pretty far,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. He really didn’t want Cas to see his house. He was embarrassed about it.

“I’ll drive you then,” Cas said, grabbing the keys to his car. “Plus, it’s freezing outside right now.”

Dean sighed. He knew there was no way of getting out of this. “Okay…”

Cas brought Dean to his car and they drove to Dean’s house. Dean looked out the window the entire time and pointed to his house when they got there. “It’s not much…” Dean said, looking up at Cas sheepishly.

Cas smiled at him. “I like it. It’s very charming,” he said, putting his car in park.

Dean smiled a little “Thank you,” he said, getting out of Cas’ car. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Cas smiled. “Yep. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, putting his car into drive. He waved at Dean as he drove away.

Dean waved back and went into his house. For some strange reason, he couldn’t stop smiling. He went into his room and fell asleep quickly. Crying always wore him out.

…

January 11th, 1989

11:32 am

The next day, Cas sat across from Dean at lunch with a huge grin on his face. Dean couldn’t help but smile back at him. Cas was adorable when he smiled. “What’re you so happy about?” Dean asked him, unable to stop smiling.

“Nothing. I just really enjoy talking to you,” Castiel said, seeming giddy for some unknown reason.

Dean blushed. He was pretty used to it now since it happened around Cas a lot. There was no denying that he had feelings for him, but he still tried to hide it. “I like talking to you too, Cas,” he said, kinda awkwardly. He was never awkward around people he liked, but Cas was different. For some reason, he found himself not minding the idea of being in a relationship with Cas. He knew that someone as sweet as Cas could never like someone with a terrible past like Dean, so he accepted the fact that it would probably never happen.

Dean’s phone went off and he frowned when he saw who it was from. It was from his dad and it said: “I’m coming home today. You and Sam better be there”. Dean replied with a ‘yes sir’ then he immediately texted Sam: “Dad’s coming home today. Meet me after school” he hastily put his phone away.

Cas furrowed his brows. “What’s wrong, Dean?”

Dean was scared that Cas would call the police or tell an authority about the abuse, so he decided to lie. “It’s nothing, Just Sam,” he said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

Cas nodded a little. “Okay,” Dean knew Cas understood that something was up, and he was glad he didn’t pry. The bell rang and Castiel and Dean said goodbye.

…

January 24th, 1989

7:00 am

Dean woke up and got dressed and ready for school. He kept his standards low for today, especially because of the way his dad was. He walked into the living room and saw Sam holding a gift box, their father nowhere to be seen.

Sam smiled brightly as Dean walked into the room. “Happy birthday! You’re officially an adult now!” he said with a smile, handing Dean a box wrapped with newspapers and lots of tape. Sam blushed as he gave Dean the box. “I didn’t have anything else to wrap it with…” he said, sheepishly.

Dean smiled widely. “No, thank you! I wasn’t expecting anything,” he said, starting to tear the newspaper off the box. “Dad’s still gone?” he asked. 

Sam’s expression saddened a little. “Yeah, dad’s still gone. I texted him last night, but he didn’t answer. I’m really sorry, Dean,” he said.

Dean tried his best to not seem too upset. “It’s okay. At least I have the best little brother in the world here with me,” he said, smiling. He tore the newspaper completely off and what was left was a gorgeous box. “A box! Just what I’ve always wanted!” Dean teased.

Sam laughed then playfully shoved Dean’s arm. “Open it, Dean! The suspense is killing me!”

Dean chuckled. “Okay, okay, I’m opening it now,” he said with a smile. He carefully opened the box and sitting inside was a gorgeous hunting knife. It had a subtle design on the thirteen-inch blade and the handle had a gorgeous engraving of an eagle. In the bottom corner, it had his initials. Dean stared at it in awe. He almost teared up of how thoughtful of a gift it was. He hugged Sam tightly “Thank you so much. I love it,” he said, smiling widely.

Sam smiled proudly. “Yay! Uncle Bobby was able to engrave it after I bought it and he sent it back just in time! I was worried it wouldn’t get here before your birthday!”

Dean smiled at his brother’s enthusiasm. “Wait...you bought it?”

Sam nodded proudly. “I bought it with my own money. I’ve been saving up since your sixteenth birthday!”

Dean hugged him tightly, feeling tears sting in his eyes but not letting them fall. “Thank you, Sam. So much. You didn’t have to do that…”

Sam hugged him back. “I wanted to. I wanted your eighteenth birthday to be special, unlike almost every other birthday you’ve had.”

Dean pulled away and put the knife back in its box carefully. He hid it in his and Sam’s closet so their dad wouldn’t find it and take it away. He went back out to the living room. He looked at his watch before realizing they were running out of time. “Shit… Sammy, we gotta go. We’re gonna be late.”

Sam and Dean both grabbed their stuff and they promptly walked to school, shivering the whole way. “Maybe I should’ve gotten you a coat instead.”

...

February 6th, 1989

3:03 pm

After school, Dean met up with Sam and walked to their house. After about half an hour, Dean saw John waiting for them. He was sober, which was out of character for him. “Sam, go to your room,” Dean whispered when John wasn’t looking at them.

Sam gulped. “Okay…” he said quietly, starting to go to his room.

John looked over at Sam. “GET BACK HERE!” he barked.

Sam stopped in his tracks and walked back to John, his eyes filled with anger. “I have homework to do,” he snapped defiantly.

John looked at him, anger in his eyes as well. “Don’t you DARE snap at me, Samuel William Winchester. I’ll beat your ass more than I was planning to if you keep up this attitude!” he shouted, his breath reeked of alcohol, even though he clearly wasn’t drunk.

Sam hesitantly looked up at John, and John slapped him in the face roughly. Sam fell against the counter and groaned. John scoffed at him and hit him again. “PATHETIC! SOMEONE NEEDS TO WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE!” he bellowed.

Dean got in between John and Sam. “Sir, just leave him alone, please. You can do whatever you want with me. Just leave Sammy alone,” Dean said, clenching his jaw and making eye contact despite his fear.

John scoffed and punched Dean until his eye swelled up. He shoved Dean away. The glass table he fell against shattered. A piece cut deep into his arm along with various other nicks and scrapes. He groaned and saw John making his way back to Sam, so Dean hastily stood back up to get between them again. “Again? Stop getting in my way you useless bag of bullshit!” John barked.

John pulled Dean into his room by his hair. He hit Dean in the stomach repeatedly, driving Dean to fall to his knees. Dean hacked up the meager amounts of food he was able to get his hands on in the past few weeks. John lowered to Dean’s level and punched him on the left side of his rib cage. Dean heard the loud sound of his ribs cracking and breaking. “You ruined my fucking life, Dean. Everything would have been fine if your mother hadn’t brought you into this world. SHE’D STILL BE ALIVE IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU!!!” he yelled.

He used his hunting knife and dug it into Dean’s left thigh, then the right, Dean crying out in pain. “You’re the worst thing that anyone could ever have to deal with. I hate you! I hate your goddamn guts!” Dean couldn’t move. He laid on his right side as he watched his dad wash the blood off his knuckles and knife. “Don’t expect me to come back. Sammy’s old enough to take care of himself and you,” he snapped, gathering his belongings and furiously marching to his car, slamming the front door shut before he left. The last thing Dean saw before passing out was his brother running towards him.


	3. Chapter 3

February 7th, 1989

1:34 am

Dean woke up screaming. He felt a soft hand holding tightly onto his arm. He looked up, breathing heavy, to see Sam holding a bloody shard of glass in his hand. Sam looked terrified. Dean opened his mouth to speak but pain overtook his body and his eyes slid closed against his will. He heard Sam’s cries trying to tell him to stay awake but he didn’t listen. He didn’t have a choice. 

... 

11:57 am

Dean slowly woke up, looking up at his little brother. “S-Sam-” was all he could choke out. He felt extremely weak and he quickly noticed that he was covered in wet, sticky blood. He tried to sit up but stopped with a strangled scream as his body protested.

Sam grabbed his shoulders and helped him back down. “Woah, Dean, it’s okay. Just stay there. How’re you feeling?” He asked, his eyes unable to hide the fact that he was deprived of sleep.

Dean groaned then gazed up at him lazily. He ignored Sam’s question. “Sammy…did you…” he cleared his throat, “did-did you stay up all night? You didn’t…you shouldn’t do that,” he said without letting Sam answer. 

“I needed to make sure you were okay. I-I tried to call 911, but it didn’t work, but I…I couldn’t just leave you here. I put pressure on the wounds so you wouldn’t bleed out and I got them to stop bleeding and everything. If dad would have just paid the bills then you would have gotten actual help! I tried my best but I didn’t know what to do. You lost a lot of blood, Dean. I wrapped everything with the stuff from the first aid kit. God, Dean…You’re gonna be okay now…Dean, please be okay now,” Sam said, choking back tears.

Dean squinted as he studied his brother’s worried expression. “I’m okay now, thanks to you,” he said with a slight smile trying to reassure his brother. It didn’t really work since his smile looked more like a grimace. He sighed softly as he continued. “But I’m exhausted and you look horrible, so how about we take a nap, okay?”

Sam nodded slowly and smirked. “At least I look better than you.”

Dean chuckled lightly and closed his eyes. “In your dreams, Sammy. Goodnight,” he said quietly.

“It's Sam. And it’s not night time,” Dean heard Sam mutter right before he drifted off.

…

3:54 pm

Dean woke up laying on his right side in a pool of something sticky. He still felt exhausted, his head was pounding, and he didn't know what woke him up until he heard footsteps that were distinctly not Sam’s. Dean slowly slid his eyes open to see Castiel rush into the room with a frightened look on his face.

Sam’s small voice filled the quiet room. “I tried to call 911 but Dad didn’t pay the phone bill and I was too scared to leave him alone…I-I stopped the bleeding but he still lost a lot of blood…” Sam trailed off, crying. Dean slowly looked up at both of them.

Cas kneeled next to him and started to cry. He brushed his fingertips lightly over Dean’s pale cheek. “Dean… I-I don’t know what to do…” he pulled his hand away and got his phone out, probably trying to call his parents.

Dean reached his hand up quickly and stifled back a yell when pain shot through his shoulder. He took a deep breath as he felt tears well up, holding onto the sleeve of Cas’ jacket. “C-Cas. ‘M fine. Y-you can’t tell a-anyone,” he stuttered and his words slurred together.

Cas ignored Dean and called his parents despite his request. Dean sighed and closed his eyes. He was in too much pain to pay attention to what Cas was saying. 

After about twenty minutes, Dean heard people arrive. The next thing he knew, he was being moved. The agony Dean was in blurred what was going on around him. When he next opened his eyes, he was at a hospital with no recollection of how he got there. 

The doctors did whatever they had to do to Dean, but he was out of it most of the time. However, he knew that they gave him a lot of pain medication which made him extremely tired. His eyes slid closed and he drifted off without a thought in his mind.

10:07 am

Dean woke up when he heard the door open. A police officer walked in saying he had to take a report. Sam was asleep on the chair next to Dean’s bed, so he decided he would take care of it. 

“Good afternoon…” the officer flipped through their clipboard of information. “Mr. Winchester. I was hoping to get a report from you,” the man said.

Dean nodded slowly and sat up with a grunt. He looked up at the officer and exhaled softly. “Okay. I’ll tell you what you need to know. Just please don’t wake Sammy up. He hasn’t slept in a while,” he said, chewing on his lip nervously.

The officer nodded and glanced at Sam. “Is he your brother?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, he’s my brother,” he adjusted himself and a whine forced its way out from the pain. He blushed, trying to hide it. “Can we get on with the questions? Please?” he didn’t want to be rude, but he really wanted to go back to sleep.

“Yes, of course,” the officer said, clearing his throat and looking through the information he had on Dean. “Well, first, who did this?” 

Dean gazed at him slyly. “Stairs?” The officer looked up at him with the most disappointed look Dean has ever seen. It caused Dean to look down and hesitate. 

The officer noticed the reluctance and continued to talk. “I know it could be hard to say but don’t worry. If you tell us the truth, we won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

Dean sighed. He didn’t want to sell his dad out, but he couldn’t keep seeing Sammy get hurt. “I um…” he felt a few tears roll down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. “It was my dad,” he said quietly.

The officer nodded and wrote something down. “I’m so sorry...how long has this been happening, Dean?”

He bit his lip hard as he felt a few more tears roll down his cheeks. He didn’t bother to wipe them away. He took a deep breath. “Since I was seven, so, eleven years…” he said, quietly. “He’s been hitting Sammy too, but I always stepped in before it could get really bad.”

The officer frowned. “That must have been terrible… could you tell me his name?”

Dean clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to hear it, let alone say it. “John Winchester,” he said, hesitantly.

He nodded. “Where could I find him?”

“I-I don’t know. He took off again. I can tell you the license plate of the car if you want, though,” Dean suggested.

“That’d be helpful,” Dean told him the license plate number and the officer continued. “Now, about him not being home, how often does he leave you and Sam?”

Dean gulped nervously. “He leaves anywhere from a week to months at a time and he only stays home from a few hours to a few days.”

He frowned and wrote something down. “Okay, Dean. Does he pay the bills or provide money for food while he’s gone? The doctor said you were severely malnourished.”

Dean shook his head. “Rarely. I um…I usually give whatever food we have to Sammy. I eat what I can find elsewhere so the food at home can last longer…but, I don’t always get something,” he spoke sheepishly without looking up.

He nodded again. “Okay, Dean, I have one last question for you. When he hits you, is it when he drinks?”

“Well, typically, he’s drunk, but last night he was sober,” Dean mumbled.

The officer furrowed his brows and finished writing after a few minutes. “Alright, that’s it. Thank you, Dean,” he took a slight pause then continued. “and don’t worry...we’ll catch him,” he said, walking out of the room.

Dean nodded and immediately felt guilty. He had always hoped he wouldn’t have to tell anyone about their dad. At least not until Sam was old enough to move out. Dean was terrified of his father. He knew that if the police didn’t catch him, his dad would find him and murder him. 

Dean laid back again and closed his eyes. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought about what could happen. A mix of the painkillers and the crying drained his energy, and Dean fell asleep after only a couple of minutes.

…

February 8th, 1989

10:03 am

Dean woke up with a start and sat up quickly. He hastily bit his lip to conceal a groan. He glanced over at Sam and saw he was still sleeping. He smiled softly right before he heard the door opening. Dean looked over and saw the police officer from the night before.

“Good morning,” he said, Sam waking up from the noise. Sam looked at the officer and then he looked at Dean. “We found John last night. I know you both must be scared, but don’t worry about him coming after you. He’ll be locked away for a long time. It’s in the record that your mother had passed away. We’re taking both of you to the orphanage today after Dean is released. Of course, Dean, you’re eighteen, so you’ll only be there until Sam gets adopted.”

Dean stiffened knowing that he’ll be separated from Sam and immediately looked at him. Dean saw that Sam was starting to cry so Dean knew he realized the same thing. The officer sighed. “I’m sorry, boys, but that’s just the way it needs to be. The nurse will escort both of you to our car in a few minutes,” he said, leaving the room.

“Dean!” Sam ran over to him and cried as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

Dean stifled a groan as his ribs were jarred. “I know, Sam, I know...it’ll be okay,” he fought tears and hugged his little brother.

The nurse came in a minute later, took Dean’s IV out, and unhooked him from the machines. She then escorted both Sam and Dean to the cop car. They sat in the back silently as the police officer drove them to the orphanage.

…

February 28th, 1989

5:06 pm

Dean anxiously waited while Sam was in a meeting with a couple who wanted to adopt him. He felt shaky. Maybe he accidentally took extra pain-killers that morning because he felt very nervous. He was restlessly tapping his foot against the floor when he heard the door open. 

Sam walked over to Dean, his expression obvious he felt bad about something. Dean gave him a reassuring smile and sat up, wincing a bit. His ribs felt much better, but the doctor said he still had two more weeks until they were fully healed. “What’s up, Sammy?”

Sam sighed. “I met this really great couple that really wants to adopt me and I wouldn’t mind being adopted by them but I can’t leave you here and I’ll miss you so much. I’ll…I’ll only be able to see you at school if I go,” he said, choking back tears.

Dean pulled his little brother into a tight hug. “It’s okay, Sammy. You should go for it. I’ve met the family and they really like you and who doesn’t love Dean Winchester,” he joked with him, ruffling up Sam’s hair. “Plus, as you said, I’ll see you at school and we can meet up over the weekend. Especially over the Summer. You don’t need to worry about me. We’ll text every day, okay?”

Sam nodded and hugged Dean tightly, crying tears of both sadness and happiness. “Thank you, Dean. I love you.”

Dean pulled away and looked into his brother’s eyes. “I love you too, Sammy,” he said with a smile. 

“Come on, Dean. It’s Sam,” he pushed against Dean’s shoulder playfully. Sam then decided to explain everything about the couple he was getting adopted by. Dean found out that the mother was a doctor and the father was a lawyer. Sam was very excited about that since he was interested in all that law stuff that Dean could never understand. 

The door opened and the couple stepped inside. Sam waved at Dean as he told him goodbye. He cheerfully walked to his new parents with what little things he had. 

Dean waved back at Sam, but as soon as he left, he started sobbing. Sam was the only family he had left, and now he was gone. He was happy that Sam was going into a home with parents who would love him and could provide more than Dean could, but Dean didn’t want to lose him. He knew he wouldn’t keep in contact with Sam every day for long, no matter how hard he tried or wanted to.

Dean eventually stopped crying, he composed himself, and pretended it never happened. He tried to distract himself by doing homework, but one of the directors walked up to Dean a few minutes later. 

“Now that your brother’s gone, you’re going to have to leave. You need to be out by tomorrow evening,” she said, trying to look sympathetic but it ultimately wasn’t working.

Dean nodded slowly. “Yes, ma’am…” He mumbled. Dean had no idea where he would go, but he guessed he had to figure it out soon.

“I’m sorry, honey, it’s just the way it has to be,” she said, turning away before Dean could respond. She walked away directly after.

Dean knew she felt bad, but he also knew she had no other choice. He wasn’t mad at her. He just wished there was another way for this to pan out. He promptly finished his homework and went to sleep soon after. He just wanted this day to be over already.

…

March 1st, 1989

7:52 am

Dean sat in the back of the class, chewing his lip and tapping a pencil against his desk anxiously. He saw Castiel walking over to him. He couldn’t help but smile.

Cas stood beside Dean and smiled back. “Hey. How’s the orphanage?” Cas asked, genuinely caring.

Dean’s expression quickly turned solemn and he looked down, sadness filling his eyes. “Sammy got adopted yesterday and I have to find a place to live tonight but I…I don’t have enough money to um…” Dean trailed off, muttering, embarrassed at his situation.

Cas frowned and looked at him sadly. “I’m so sorry,” he smiled slightly after a few seconds of silence. “Dean, come live with us. We have a guest room so it’s really no trouble,” he said, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder sympathetically.

“I can’t do that to your family, Cas. Having another person is way too expensive, I just…I can’t do that to you…” he stared down at his hands, sadly. Before Cas could reply, the bell rang.

11:39 am

At lunch, Cas sat across from Dean. “Move in with me! We can take care of you! We have more than enough money and I already-”

Dean sighed and cut him off. “Cas, I told you. I can’t do that. No matter how much money you have, I’d still be forcing them to spend it on me, and I can’t live with that. I’m sorry,” Dean said, sadly.

“But I already-” Cas started.

“No, Cas!” Dean said sharply.

Cas sighed. “Okay…” he frowned and ate his lunch.

Dean felt bad, but no matter how much he wanted to, he knew he couldn’t, especially without Cas’ parents’ knowledge. He just couldn’t do that to someone. If he had more money then he might have given in, but he didn’t even have enough money for meals every day and he knew Cas would make his family pay for him.

He didn’t realize his stomach was growling until Cas silently slid over half a sandwich. He looked up at him, but Cas was avoiding his eye contact. Dean bit his lip before gratefully accepting the sandwich.

3:07 pm

After school, Dean was walking to the orphanage when he heard someone yell ‘WAIT!’ to him. He stopped and turned around to see that it was Cas running after him.

Cas smiled at Dean. “C’mon, Dean, you gotta move in with me,” Dean opened his mouth to speak but Cas quickly continued. “No! Let me speak,” Dean nodded sheepishly and Cas started again. “I can’t let you be homeless. I talked to my parents about the situation and they’re okay with it. Please, Dean, I’m begging you,” Cas said, completely out of breath from chasing Dean across the school.

Dean smiled and gave into Castiel’s pleading. “Okay. Since your parents are okay with it, I’m okay with it.”

Cas smiled excitedly and couldn’t help but hug Dean. “Yay!!”

Dean chuckled softly and hugged him back. “I’m excited too,” he smiled.

“GAY!” one of the popular kids yelled, the other kids quickly chiming in, repeating that word and laughing.

Dean and Cas both turned red and quickly pulled away from each other. They promptly walked away until they were out of sight after about a minute. Dean glanced at Cas to see if he was okay and saw that he was teary-eyed.

Dean sighed and hugged Cas again. “It’s okay. They don’t know what they’re talking about and they don’t have a right to talk to us that way, okay? They’re just a bunch of dicks.”

Cas hugged back and chuckled slightly. “Thank you, Dean,” he smiled, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t know where the orphanage is so I’m just gonna follow you.”

Dean nodded with a smile and led Cas as they walked. 

4:58 pm

Dean stepped out of the front door of the orphanage. The only things he had were his backpack and a small box. 

“That’s it?” Cas asked Dean, tilting his head to the side slightly.

Dean blushed from embarrassment and nodded. “Yeah, that’s it…”

Cas smiled reassuringly and started walking to his house with Dean. “The house isn’t too far from here,” Cas said cheerfully.

Dean nodded and followed Cas.

5:39 pm

Cas led Dean to the guest room as soon as they got to his house. Cas helped him unpack his stuff, then he stepped into the doorway. “I know it’s not that big…” he began shyly.

Dean was smiling widely. “Are you kidding? It’s twice as big as my old room!! I love it!!”

Cas blushed and chuckled softly. “I’m glad you like it,” he said, gazing into Dean’s emerald-green eyes. “Well, um, I’ll let you get settled. There’s food in the fridge so help yourself if you get hungry. Dinner will be around six-thirty,” he smiled. He gave Dean a nod when Dean thanked him. Then he stepped out, closing the door behind him.

Dean laid down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and smiling widely. Maybe living with Cas wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	4. Chapter 4

March 18th, 1989

12:47 pm

Castiel had some pizza sauce smudged on his cheek. Dean chuckled softly. “You got a little something on your face,” he smiled cheekily.

“Really? Where?” Cas touched his face a little embarrassed. 

“Here, let me help you,” Dean said, leaning close to him. “It’s right,” he put his hand gently on Castiel’s jaw. “Here,” he finished, kissing Cas’ cheek to wipe away the sauce. 

Cas blushed, glanced at Dean's lips briefly, then looked into his eyes. “Why’d you do that? I mean, I don’t mind…” Castiel trailed off, turning a deep shade of red.

Dean laughed softly. “You had pizza sauce on your cheek. Right there,” he said, kissing his cheek once again.

Cas’ cheeks were heating up. “Deannnn,” he whined.

Dean chuckled softly as he smirked. He could tell Cas liked the romantic attention he was giving him. They had been flirting the whole weekend and it made Dean extremely happy. Dean was ecstatic when he first found out that Castiel liked him just as much as he liked Cas. He kissed a little closer to Cas’ lips and his expression turned completely serious.

Castiel looked at Dean with hopeful eyes. Dean took a deep breath then kissed Cas’ lips passionately, lacing his fingers steadily through Cas’ hair.

Cas was taken aback at first, but he eagerly kissed back. Dean eventually pulled away slightly and both of them were smiling. “Wow,” Cas breathed. Dean could tell that Cas wasn’t used to it.

“First kiss?” Dean asked him, smirking.

Castiel went a little wide-eyed. “How…how’d you know?! Was I bad?! I’m so sorry!”

Dean stopped him. “No, Cas, you were good. You just seemed a little surprised and it took you a second to kiss me back.”

Castiel blushed. “Oh…well, I’m happy I was good for you,” he said, smiling proudly.

Dean smiled widely then leaned in to kiss Cas again.

...

March 20th, 1989

2:58 am

Dean watched as flames engulfed him. He looked up and saw his mother, screaming and bleeding. The flames somehow grabbed his arms and pulled him closer to his mom. Dean couldn’t move. Everything around him was attacking, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

Suddenly, as something grabbed his shoulder, he could move again. Opening his eyes, he cried out and pulled away. In Dean’s trembling hand was a hunting knife, pointed at the blurry figure by his bed.

Cas screamed and jumped back. “WHAT THE FUCK, DEAN?! I WAS JUST TRYING TO SEE IF YOU WERE OKAY!”

Dean took heavy breaths as he stared at the knife shaking in his hand. He started to panic and he dropped his knife to the bed. “I’m so sorry, Cas, you just scared me! I didn’t mean to!”

Castiel took a moment to calm down. “Dean, just…please tell me what's wrong. You’re scaring me,” he said, placing his hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezing it gently. 

Dean inhaled sharply and wrenched his shoulder away. Dean didn’t know what came over him, but, all of a sudden, he was terrified. Cas pulled his hand away quickly and all Dean could think about was the pain that would come if he was hit. He flinched and brought his hands to cover his face. 

Castiel gasped softly. “Did…did you think I was going to hit you?” His lip was quivering. 

Dean took deep breaths as he looked at Castiel, lowering his arms. After everything he had just done, he couldn’t lie. “Cas…Castiel I just…” he paused and bit his lip. “I didn’t think you were gonna hit me. I just was scared and I’ve never made a mistake like this and wasn’t hit. I was expecting it but I didn’t think that you would do it, but I thought it would come from somewhere and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed something like that. I didn’t mean it and I know you wouldn’t hurt me but…I’m sorry.”

Cas looked at him with betrayal and hurt in his eyes. “Why do you sleep with a knife then? If you actually trust me, then why do you have a fucking knife under your pillow?! Dean, if you don’t trust me, then how can you expect me to trust you?! I just wanted to help you and you attacked me! How can I believe that you won’t do it again?! How, Dean?!” Cas said, raising his voice louder with almost every word.

Dean looked down searching for an answer. Castiel started to tear up and he ran out of the room. Dean knew he needed to fix what he did since he made Cas scared because of him. Dean got up quickly and followed him.

Cas looked back at him sharply. “NO, DEAN, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!” Cas yelled, tears streaming down his face. He ran into his room and slammed the door in Dean’s face. 

Dean felt himself tear up. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He just lost the trust of his best friend. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t help but believe that Castiel hated him. He wasn’t even sure if Cas wanted him living there anymore. Cas was Dean’s only way out of his crappy life and now it came back to bite him in the butt. He hurt Cas…scared him…failed him. 

Dean stared at the closed door for several minutes, listening to Cas’ sobs on the other side. He ran back into his room, closing the door shut, and he collapsed onto his bed. Dean exhausted himself thinking about Cas and fighting back tears until he was able to fall asleep.

7:15 am

“C’mon, Dean! We’re gonna be late!” Cas said sternly, knocking on Dean’s door.

“I’m coming!” Dean replied, tying his shoe and opening the door. He hesitantly made eye contact with Cas, and his eyes were still slightly red from the crying he did last night. Dean bit his lip and stared at his feet as they walked to Cas’ car.

The car ride was silent, Dean looking out the side window the whole way. Cas didn’t even bother to turn on the radio. The silence was killing Dean but he didn’t know what to say. Cas parked the car and got out, turning around, looking at Dean, and waiting for him.

Dean took a deep breath as he walked over to Castiel. Cas turned and walked to class quickly. Dean attempted to keep up when Cas made his pace slightly faster than Dean’s. 

They got to their first class and sat in their normal seats. Dean stared at Cas but he never looked back. Dean sighed and waited for this dreaded class to be over. 

11:34 am

Castiel sat across from Dean at the lunch table. Dean was surprised when he saw that Cas had a slight smile. Dean thought that maybe Cas had forgotten about last night. He casually reached over to touch Castiel’s hand. 

Cas pulled his hand into his lap and hesitantly looked up at Dean. “Look, Dean, we need to talk,” he took a deep breath and Dean clenched his jaw. “I know you don’t want me pushing into your past or whatever but nothing is gonna get fixed if we don’t try. I want to help you, so please, let me try.”

Dean stared at his hands. He didn’t believe he could be fixed but he really wanted Cas to like him again. Especially after he messed up so badly. He nodded slightly.

“Okay, good. Last night I was thinking a lot. I want to start by saying that I’m sorry about how I behaved. I was scared and I didn’t understand what was happening. I was acting egotistical and I didn’t think about how you felt about all of it and I shouldn't have said what I said. I didn’t mean it. I hope I can make it up to you,” he smiled softly and continued before Dean could talk. “I also wanted to tell you that I know you didn’t mean to attack me. I really don’t like that you keep a knife under your pillow, but I want you to feel safe…“ he trailed off.

“I’m really sorry too. I know I didn’t mean to hurt you but I still put you in danger. I won’t keep the knife with me anymore. I feel safe with you. I think you should know that I do trust you and I want to stay with you.” Dean spoke quietly without looking up.

Cas smiled and gently put his hand on Dean’s jaw. He slowly guided Dean to look into his bright blue eyes. It looked to Dean that Cas was going to kiss him, but they were interrupted by a group of snickering jocks. Cas pulled away sharply.

“Oh, look! The loser and the weirdo are about to make out! Don’t let us ruin the fun. We’re just here to watch the party,” the ‘leader’ of the pack barked. He adjusted his letterman jacket as if he was showing off his symbol of superiority. 

Dean clenched his jaw. “Can we leave?,” he muttered to Cas.

“Dean, just ignore them” Cas whispered.

“Aww, sharing secrets, are we now? How cute,” the jock said, making a kissy face. “How ‘bout I let you in on another one?” he leaned in close. “No one would care if either of you disappeared. It's obvious. Little orphan boy’s baby brother got adopted without him so the gay nerd took him in like the pervert we all know him to be. The cutest love story that everyone wants to throw off the fucking building. How ‘bout you climb up the stairs and do it for us?” He smirked, the others laughing as a few people around them watched. Dean caught the eye of a teacher but they looked away as soon as Dean saw them. 

Dean felt his face start to redden with rage. He wanted to punch all of them, but he knew he couldn’t. “Just leave us alone,” he said simply, trying not to cause more problems.

“Whatever, losers,” he said, signaling for the other jocks to follow him. They walked away just to pick on some younger kid, who was probably a freshman, trying to do their homework. 

Castiel sighed. “You need to learn to just ignore them, Dean. You’re giving into them if you retaliate,” he frowned. Dean couldn’t help but think that Cas was just repeating the words of his parents. 

Dean nodded slowly. He felt bad that he made Cas feel bad. He started to eat his lunch and he looked down at it. He didn’t want to see the disappointed look he knew Cas had on his face.

6:26 pm

Dean finished the last of his homework. Flipping his book closed, he looked over at his clock. “Just in time,” he muttered to himself. He stood up, stretched his arms, then walked over to the kitchen. It was Castiel’s parent's date night so Cas and Dean made a plan to eat dinner together at six-thirty every week on Monday. 

Castiel walked in as Dean stared to get out ingredients. They had spoken about making spaghetti that night earlier. Cas smiled and walked over and helped. “Did you finish your homework?” he asked.

Dean nodded, prompting Cas to continue. “Same. I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie tonight?”

Dean smiled. “I’d love to,” he replied, tossing the noodles into the boiling water. 

Time flew as they worked on preparing the food. They talked, laughed, and cooked together. Before Dean knew it, they were sitting at the table, eating their spaghetti and meatballs. 

Dean looked up and slurped his noodles as soon as Cas glanced at him. Castiel snickered and covered his mouth to try to keep his food inside. Dean laughed which made Cas blush. Dean smiled to himself as he looked back down at his meal and continued eating, while out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas gazing at him with a soft smile. Now it was Dean’s turn to blush. 

Soon after, they sat on the couch with multiple blankets and pillows surrounding them. Die Hard played loudly on the screen in front of them. Dean tried to pay attention but all he could focus on was Castiel, who was slowly inching closer to him. 

Dean couldn’t help but smile when he saw that he was mere centimeters away from touching Cas. Once Cas put his arm around Dean, everything changed. Dean felt this sense of fear building up inside him. The warmth coming from Castiel’s body was all of a sudden too much for him. He got really uncomfortable really fast.

Cas noticed Dean’s squirming and he pulled away. “What's wrong?” he asked, sounding extremely worried. 

Dean put his head in his hands as he felt his cheeks heat up. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it…I promise,” he felt shaky and sweaty but he was most of all embarrassed that he couldn’t handle the simple act of an arm around his shoulders. He’s been with a lot of people both romantically and sexually, but he had never freaked out like that before. Come to think of it, he’s never actually been held by anyone before…but he has been touched, which is the same thing, right?

Cas guided Dean to look at him. “Dean, just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not going to judge you or think bad of you. I know you’ve gone through a lot and I want to help. Please just talk to me,” he said gently yet quietly, his eyes full of kindness that Dean couldn’t help but trust. 

“I don’t know, Cas. I just…I don’t know why but I got really…weird…when you touched me like that. I really wanted it, but when it happened…” he trailed off and stared at the floor.

“It’s okay. We can start off small. Like this,” Cas demonstrated, grabbing hold of Dean’s hand. Dean couldn’t help but notice how soft Castiel’s hand was. “We can touch more progressively so you can get better. Let me know if you ever feel uncomfortable and I’ll stop, okay?” Cas said, his voice soothing Dean as he agreed to Cas’ accommodations.

By the end of their second movie, Dean was resting his head on Castiel’s chest while Cas had his arms wrapped around him. Dean’s eyes slid closed as the music played over the end credits. He felt a soft kiss pressed against his forehead before hearing Castiel’s soft voice. “I’m really proud of you, Dean,” he said, the tender words forcing Dean to smile. 

... 

March 27th, 1989

11:37 am

This day, so far, had been one of the worst Dean’s had in a while. He woke up late, forgot his English homework on his desk, and now, a massive headache was pounding in the back of his head. 

Dean was resting his head on the lunch table when he felt someone's hands touching his hair. All initial fear he felt was washed away within a moment when Dean looked up to see Castiel’s gentle smile. 

“Hey,” Cas said, sitting down across from Dean and opening his lunch bag. He took a bite of his sandwich before continuing. “Since my parents aren’t going to be home tonight, would you want to have another movie night?” Castiel asked, holding onto Dean’s hand lightly and brushing the back of it with his thumb. 

Before Dean could reply, he got hit in the back of the head with a rubber band. Dean turned around, picked up the rubber band, and flung it back at the jock who shot it in the first place. The jock complained about something that fell, but Dean just rolled his eyes and turned around. “I’d love to. Wanna see Die Hard again?”

Cas chuckled. “How ‘bout no. Since the new Indiana Jones movie is coming out in a couple of months, I rented Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. You don’t get a choice because I already rented them. Plus, you chose last week,” Cas said, his smile beaming proudly at Dean.

“Aw, c’mon,” Dean whined. “Die Hard is the best movie ever created. Indiana Jones could never compete with the greatness that is-” he was cut off when his head was shoved down against the table. More pain flared up in his already-pounding-head.

“That’s what you get for breaking my fucking phone you stupid fuck,” the jock from before bellowed in Dean’s ear. By the time Dean looked up, what seemed like the entire football team had already surrounded them. 

“Just go away. I didn’t break shit,” Dean said, glaring at everyone he could make eye contact with. He felt Castiel’s foot lightly touch his and Dean took a deep breath to calm himself.

“You just fucking made me drop my fucking phone!” The jock grabbed onto Dean’s jacket but he shrugged him off easily. Dean was running out of patience but Cas’ touch was a reminder of peace. Dean bit his lip and tried to ignore the hand on his shoulder. The jock continued. “Look at me when I’m talking to you, you fucking loser! You can’t get away with this just because you lost your fucking parents! You owe me money and you’re going to pay whether it’s from you or your stupid rich babysitter.” 

Football players across the table grabbed onto Cas and lifted him up to his feet. Anger burned in Dean’s cheeks as he stood up quickly. He could take them picking on him but when they got Cas involved, he lost his patience. “Let him go!” Dean reached for Cas but a few others grabbed Dean’s arms and held him back.

“If you don’t pay, someone’s gonna die,” the jock said, punching Dean across his face. Dean blinked away the pain as he saw the others going through Castiel’s pockets. Dean yelled out and slid his jacket off to get away, quickly attacking the jock in front of him.

Dean punched at the guy and dropped to the floor to hit him again. Soon after, Dean was outnumbered as the guys pulled at Dean to get him away from their ‘leader’. Dean’s shirt ripped as one guy yanked on it roughly, but Dean barely noticed. 

Dean continued to fight. He knocked down the different members of the football team as they grabbed at him. The rage and adrenaline kept him going through the punches that grazed his skin. Dean thought he was winning until he looked at Cas. What he saw made him freeze.

The look of fear was evident in Cas’ eyes. What stopped Dean was that Cas wasn’t looking at the group of guys. Castiel’s fear was directed at Dean. Castiel, the one who took Dean in, the one who was his best friend, was scared of him. 

Dean dropped his fists and looked into Cas’ frightened blue eyes. Tears were streaming down Castiel’s cheeks as he turned away and grabbed his stuff before running out of the cafeteria. Dean’s initial reaction was to go after him, but he was stopped by one of the football players who had gotten up. Dean was too distracted from watching Cas to dodge the guy’s punch. Before Dean could react, he felt himself getting pulled back. His already torn shirt had ripped more, revealing the scars that littered his body. The one who punched Dean backed up, but the guy who started the fight in the first place snickered.

“Did your daddy do that to you? Is that why he’s in jail now? Deanie drove his daddy crazy and he got beat for it. Your old man was probably the one who murdered your mom too.” Dean felt hands grab his arms as he was being held back. He didn’t fight. When Cas left, he didn’t have anything to protect. “Look at us, Dean. Look at what you’ve done. Like father, like son. It’s a wonder that you haven’t been arrested too. With the way that nerd looks at you, it’s obvious he’s scared. You’ve hurt him. He’s terrified of you, yet he’s too afraid to make you leave.” The bell rang, cutting the jock off. He scoffed and walked away, the boys holding Dean shoving him onto the ground before leaving as well.

The words echoed in his head. As the pounding got worse, the words got louder. Dean knew he was right. He hurt Cas no matter what lies he told himself. He knew Castiel deserved better, but he couldn’t bring himself to end what little of a romantic relationship they had. He couldn’t lose his best friend, the last person whom he truly cared about.

6:38 pm

Dean and Cas barely spoke since they had gotten home earlier. Castiel seemed as if he was pretending nothing had happened, but the tension was still there. Dean went along with it anyways as they started making dinner together, just as they had planned before, but there was almost no talking involved.

It wasn’t until Dean got too close to the stove that the mood shifted. As Dean was cooking chicken, the sleeve of his jacket caught on the metal cover that was over the gas burner. He went wide-eyed as the fabric caught on fire. As he tried to pull away, his sleeve wouldn’t budge and the fire got worse and worse until he couldn’t think anymore. Fear overtook him as he screamed and tried to get away. 

He saw Castiel running over, but as the heat touched his arm, he lost focus. All Dean could see was fire and all he could feel was the pain that flared up over his skin. The feeling of fire burning his arm forced him into a panic. He couldn’t get away and he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he had to run, but everything was holding him back. 

He didn’t know how, but his jacket was pulled off of him as something was grabbing him. His automatic reaction was to throw punches, so he did. His hand connected with something that started as soft, but quickly turned solid.

Dean blinked as he took in a breath. Looking around, he saw the kitchen was a mess. The chicken was on the floor, grease was everywhere, a bag of french fries had been knocked over, and his charred jacket was on the floor in a odd-shaped lump, but the worst part was when he looked up at Castiel. 

Cas stepped back, teary-eyed, holding onto his face. “I-I-” he choked on his words and didn’t finish his sentence. Dean finally realized what he had hit as he discovered the red mark under Cas’ soft fingers.

Dean was shaking with both fear and regret. “I’m so sorry, Cas,” he said quietly, cautiously stepping closer to him.

Cas backed away. “No, Dean! Why is it that every time I try to help you, you always hurt me?! I’m so tired of this shit! Just leave me alone!” a few tears fell down his face and he ran into his room, slamming the door behind him loudly.

Dean took shaky breaths. He couldn’t believe what just happened. He hurt the one person who still actually cared for him. It didn’t matter how Dean felt anymore. He ruined everything. If Cas was better off without him there, then he needed to leave. He couldn’t risk hurting him again. 

Dean took a deep breath and cleaned up his mess of the kitchen floor. He owed it to Cas after everything he’d done for him. Dean walked into his room and packed up his possessions. He took out a piece of paper and a pen and started to write. 

Castiel, I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done to you. You’ve helped me and cared for me and I paid you back with a punch to the face. I had no right to use you in the way that I did, yet I still couldn’t stop myself. Accident or not, it doesn’t matter. I hurt you. I ruined everything between us and I am so sorry about that. I was being selfish, and you don’t deserve someone like me. I only thought of myself and the way I needed to feel. I put you at risk because I wanted to stay with you and you got hurt because of it. I never should’ve agreed to stay with you. I know you don’t care anymore, Cas, but I just wanted to tell you that I was happy with you. I’m so thankful for what you’ve done and that is why I stayed. I knew it was the wrong decision because I always hurt everyone I love. Whatever happiness I’m lucky enough to get is taken away from me, and I was foolish for believing that you wouldn’t be a part of that. I just hoped that you would be the exception; but obviously, you weren’t. I’m leaving this note in case you wanted to read it, but I don’t expect you to, especially after everything. It’s just to tell you that I’m leaving and not coming back. You won’t have to talk to me ever again and I’ll be out of your life. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Please take care of yourself and your parents for me. I know it’s not enough, but the money is for everything that they’ve spent on me. Please give it to them and tell them I said thanks. I really appreciate everything you and your family have done for me, and I wish I could have helped more instead of making your lives miserable. No matter what happens, I will always remember your kindness.

He moved his pen to the bottom of the page, fighting back tears.

Thanks for everything. -Dean Winchester

He brought the note with him as he started to leave. As he passed, he left the note on the dining room table along with a small stack of money that he had been saving. He looked back at the house after closing the door behind him. At that moment, Dean wished he had never met Cas. Losing him was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.


End file.
